When you care about that one friend who’s being bullied

bullying is horrible. i mean, i’ve ever been bullied but let’s dont talk about mine, i want to talk about my friend’s. because actually it hurts me more to bully someone than being bullied.
best years on my elementary school life is when i was on 1st grade and 6th grade. it was awesome couse i dont have enemy and i dont have to bully someone or bullied by someone–it’s such a blessing, you know. like i live in peace.
but there’re times when i have to bully another, and have such a feeling like ‘im not myself’ couse this is not me–it is just not me at all. i never want to bully anyone. never. eventhough i hate that person, i mean i dont care about how much i hate that person i just cant deal with what i do–bully others. so, actually bullying is not my style, especially when i was a lil kid who was still innocent and i have no such hate (honestly, i used to be a good girl once :p lol)
so, actually the story went like this: i bullied others because if i dont, someone elese will bully me. that someone else want me to bully the person she hates. and if i dont, ill be dead. and so i did it. the most horrible thing is–how can i ever do thatw hen i know that one person i bully is MY OWN BESTFRIEND ITS JUST NOT FAIR AND I DONT EVEN FIGHT FOR HER?! in my entire life i keep saying to myself, “i’ll take a bullet for my besties” but actually im the one who shoot them.
so, i felt so guilty that time, and obviously hate myself a bit, and then i texted her like, “hey, is this blablablabla?(her name)”
“yup. who is this?” she answered.
“its me, nabilah” nabilah was my little name.
“oh, hey” she felt awkward maybe, because at school i bully her, but then i text her like i want to start a conversation or just talk about something, like what a good friend do.
“i just wanna say.. keep fighting and be stronger. maybe im still cant help you maybe but, i tell u, i care for u. and i always do. and im sorry for everything that ive done to u lately” thats all i can remember about what i texted her(its been years! i cant remember the dots and comas!)
and she replied me like, she is so happy that i care for her, and she said that im still her bestfriend (and i just want to cry huaaaa 😭😭😭😭😭) and that she will be stronger and… thanks for everything. it means alot to her. she said that.
i keep thinking about how stupid i am like, i hurt a person as good as her? oh my i was such a terrible girl!
and i kept sending her mssg and one day all of us who bully her(there is just 8 girls on my class and we all bully her, like, seriously? yeah) must write a letter to her. one of our friend said that she will read our letters to that bullied person via phone.
and on the night, she texted me like, “whom i am to you, seriously?” my letter is so rude and eventhough its so rude, actually i already reduce the bad words on that letter. many bad words. but its still hurts her and i know.
“im sorry i had to” again, thats all i said.
“its okay, i know your a good friend” she forgives me like, serriiiouuussslyyyy i just shoot you i didnt take a bullet for yooooouuu.
and a year after that, when i talked with my friends about bullying, i said to my friend that i dont seriously hate that person we ever bullied. i text her. and one of us said, yeah me too. we talked via phone. she said she doesnt even read her letter to that bullied person. she lied to that bullied person that ‘i didnt write anything i dont hate you”. and my another friend was like, ‘hey me too!’ she talked with that bullied person via phone, texts her, etc. and it makes me think that its so obviously f**king cool like, when we bully someone, actually thats not us. not all of us wanna do such a bad thing. and what makes me think nobody cares about her but me is: those friends have been acting so good infront of everyone like they really hate that person. i cant acting that good,s eriously, couse when everyone start to tease her, im the one who kept silent and stay calm.
we have hearts, and i cant believe that if we are together(that bullied person, me and my other two friends) fight together, we can deal with bullying and bullying will never happened again but we kept thinking to ourselves like, “she hates her. she hates her. oh yeah, she hates her too. everybody hates her. and im here like, oke lets hate her but inside ill care for her so much”
i dunno and still have no solution how to know how many peoples who care for u when u’r being bullied but, trust me, somebody cares about u.
im still remember that moment when everyone left me snd that bullied friend alone at class, i hold her arm and said, “stay strong” she smiled.
just it. thats the only conversation that i ever had with her at school that time. and one second after that someone comeback to class and i avoid her again like we never care about each other before. i really only said that, “yang kuat yah–in english its ‘stay strong”
“stay strong”
i remember Boris Laursen’s bio on his twitter(or instagram? im forget)
“stay strong dont cut. if you think nobody cares, i do”

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